disappointment. :(

Some bad things have been going on and on in my house, the moment I got back from Manila. My mom, clearly, wasn't at all happy having me comeback to stay with them... which I honestly don't understand, when clearly she wanted me to come back home to Davao when I was still in Manila. Now I'm really confused.

The primary reason why I went home to Davao, was that my dad told me that I'd be entering Medschool by June... which by most of my friends know, is one of my ultimate dream. And as soon as, my dad told me that he'd be giving me the honor of having that dream turn into reality, I instantly grabbed the opportunity without any hesitation. WHICH is also, the primary reason why I'm jobless.

Now that I knew that I'd be going to Medschool, I told my dad that it'll be necessary for me to take the NMAT (National Medical Admissions Test)-- more like the entrance exams for future doctors-- and that since I'd be entering school year 2011, I should take the NMAT asap. Now, I told him that CEM (Center for Educational Measurement) will be conducting the exams for April in MANILA only (since exams for the different regions were done on December) and that he has nothing to worry about board and lodging since a friend of mine is more than willing to have me stay in their house for the days inclusive of the said exam. And yes, he understood everything.

The thing is, my mom started to blabber out HARSH words, attacking me with DEGRADING statements, telling me how I was a disappointment to her and to my dad, and that I wasn't at all capable of "bringing home the bacon" and that my stay in Manila was all for nothing. We even went to a point wherein the argument was so intense she scratched/punched/slapped me for many many times... It was painful, both physically and emotionally.

I cried a lot.

But then again, I was constantly told by my dear friend that everything will turnout fine, and that all will eventually change once I enter medschool. So kept my spirit high. I kept my head held high, clenching the hope that I'd somehow someday, when I'll be the best doctor in the country, that I will have them eat their words and prove them wrong.

but I guess that won't happen.

Apparently now that my exams are nearing, my mom told me that I won't be taking the NMAT anymore and that my dad won't be sending me to Manila. I felt like my dreams went down the drain... Now that all of these were being said, I feel as if, I was never to have my dreams realized. I feel so disappointed with the fact that, I did have that hope in my hands, and they just made me throw it all in the bin.

I haven't really talked to my dad about this. But I guess I know what his answer will be...

I feel so sick and tired of having everything flushed down the drain.

I don't know if I'd be able to hope again.

Now that I know that hoping for something, will only bring disappointment and hardcore sadness.

Apparently my SOMEDAY isn't TODAY... and guess will never be TOMORROW.

goodbye dreams. :(

Blood lines. :)

It seems peculiar to be part of something big, such as the Basañes Family. Apparently, my late grandfather never really took us all to mingle with the rest of his brothers and sisters, so technically, I never really knew much of my second degree cousins.

But then again, when my grandfather died, I became acquainted with them (well most of them, so to speak) and was able to recognize much (even more) of their side, broadening my knowledge as to how and what my bloodline was and will be.

Being with the comforts of family is indeed something to celebrate. Now that times are changing, and we are all getting matured, it is but important to maintain that bond between and amongst us. We may belong to a different genre, we may have differing likes and interests but still one thing remains... that is the fact that we are a FAMILY and that we belong to each other.

Indeed, a Family that grows together, stays together.

confused... again.

Why is it that every time I try to forget you... I can't.
Why is it that every time I try to forge you out of my brain and of my existence... I can't.
Why is it that every time I try to ignore you... I can't.
Why is it that every time I try to stop liking you... I CAN'T!

You have dug deep into my being, yet you still treat me like I'm nothing.
You don't know how much it hurts me... not being with you, nor hearing your voice.
I wish I could just close my eyes and pretend that all of this doesn't inflict pain into my heart... but it does.
I'm not much better without you.

You say I don't miss you, but then again... I miss you even more.
You say I don't do much, but then again... I gave you my all.
You say I don't need you, but then again... you give me life.

Could we please stop the pretensions?
Could we end the miseries?
Could we please be true to ourselves?

Just tell me the truth.
The raw fact.
For with it, I'll know I'll get by.
For with it, I'll figure out a plan.
For with it, we'll set each other free.

I loved you.
and will always do.
Nothing changes, be it a yes or no.
I just don't want to hold on to thin air, constantly waiting for a breeze to come.

Then again, I'm confused.

:(

Born This Way by Lady Gaga. :)

"I'm beautiful in my way, cause God makes no mistakes... "

"Born This Way" is a new song by American pop singer-songwriter Lady Gaga. It is the track from her forthcoming third album Born This Way and was released as its lead single on February 11, 2011. The song was written by Lady Gaga, and it was produced by Gaga, Fernando Garibay, and DJ White Shadow. The single was released onto Gaga's website for streaming on February 11, 2011. The same day it was released and sent to radio. The song is like 80s, Madonna meets Kylie Minogue. And as we knew, it's got a defined electro-pop beat, dancey, and screams 'gay anthem'." -http://www.lyricsmode.com

sick. tired. alone.

I'm sick... again.
I can't really count the times where I've been faced with these kinds of situation...
To the point where I think I'm becoming more and more adept at handling these instances.
Although at a vantage point, these experiences make me understand my body more.
It makes me feel that I still have a purpose to live and a life to pursue.

I'm sick, tired and weak.
Thanks to my friends who look out for me, and care for me (even when we don't actually see each other).
But knowing that somewhere, in their busy hours, they still have time to wish me good health and give me high hopes of me getting all better... this then, makes me feel that I am a person worthy of love and of compassion.
Friends... you made me a strong person.
Thank you.

I'm sick, tired, weak and alone.
I've been with the company of my family and friends for the longest time... but being sick and feeling alone, all at the same time, is really different.
I have nobody but myself to comfort with.
I have nobody to care but myself.
I am alone. And I understand that.
Some say, that one should wait for the right person to come... but when he comes, will he be that person who'll take care of you when you're sick?
Our soulmates may not necessarily be our partners.
and our partners may not necessarily be our soulmates.
but then again, why do we still believe in such concepts?
and in the end, it all boils down to you, taking care of yourself.

This made me cry.
Knowing that I'm alone, not because I needed to, but because I chose to.
I don't know if I should ever love again.
And if I do, will he reciprocate the kind of love that I am willing to offer? or will it be, yet again, a one-sided love affair... wherein one loves the other, and the other loves another.

I'm sick...
I'm tired...
I'm alone...
wtf?!

Hope I'll be better when I wake up.

dancing to a different tune.

I'm back to my origins.
Now that I'm back, so much has changed.
I'm having more stress than ever... as compared to what I had when I was in Manila.

Been really busy for the past months...
Now that I'm going to medschool, I'm guessing that my life would be a hot mess.

I dunno, but I'm guessing that, with all that has happened to me (both here and in Manila) I'd be very much engulfed in the concepts of medicine.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'd be taking my Medicine Path SERIOUSLY.
and by that, it would mean.. less party, less gimiks, less lovelife drama. ahahahah

Now that things are going to be different, I'm still looking forward to a better year.

BTW, I just turned 23 last March 07... and it's definitely something not worth rejoicing... ahhaha.. Had a fight with my MOM (and a huge one at that) and we are not speaking terms with anyone at home.. I guess, having me come over from Manila, all penniless and jobless is something they wouldn't have expected.

Still, I do hope all would be well in my household... I won't be speaking much to them as of now.. I think that it would be best that way..


skin tough as leather.
xoxo
harvii

just a dream. :(

i love this version so much.