Soo much has happened to me this month. So much, that apparently, I haven't been able to put up a couple of posts here. Well, not making any excuse or what, but i've been considerably busying myself with a lot of things after the break up. YES. Break up. Who would have thought that this month would signal the end of a year or so of romance and love-affairs? who knew? not me.
September was a roller coaster ride for me. Apart from all the drama, I have been keeping myself busy and busting every nook and cranny of my life just to earn a living. Come on, my Pilates Job isn't paying me well/ not enough so to speak. I have to find other opportunities to make living in this materialistic world, easy. Life is not at all sweet, but you have to somehow find a way to live it through.
There really isn't much of the roller coaster ride that I had this month, some of the UPs were flabbergasting but most of the DOWNs are downright flamboyant.
Come to think of it, I wasn't able to achieve HOMEOSTASIS this month. Sad to say, I myself can't figure out why. Maybe it's because I did something that was wayyy out of hand? Or was it because, I finally found something/someone that I know would eventually turn my world around? I don't know. I don't know.
BREAKING UP. yes it was tough. I cried... A LOT.
but I knew I had to endure the pain, after all, it was my choice and I had to prove to myself that I will be able to live through this choice that I did.
We've been having fights for quite sometime now, some of which, I was able to document here. But having too much of it made my bubbles burst. I have kept my intuitions to myself (although, I admit I too have been a blabber mouth at times) and I know when to start and when to stop. This time, all came too suddenly. TOO FAST, that I had to RUN AWAY. I knew it would end up like this, having both of us to experience excruciating pain, but what shook my decision was the mere fact that I have had too much of this PAIN, and the only thing that I could do to save myself was to RUN AWAY.
yes yes. I know it's wrong to RUN AWAY from your problems, but in my opinion, what I did was for the best. I didn't want to hurt him, nor did I want myself to be hurt by him ever again. I kept on saying "tama na!" because I honestly was under so much pain. I didn't eat for a day, just to keep my mind sound (ironic?) but I knew it was best to let my body feel the pain, so that when time comes, I'd know how every single heartbeat of pain would feel.
MOVING ON.
I knew what I did, so therefore, I knew what I had to do.
I needed an escape route out of all of these. It didn't bother me at all, finding out that my ex-boyfriend was capable of talking things behind my back. PAINFUL yes, but come to think of it, it would be better if I stay true to my decisions rather than stooping down to his level and telling him that he'd better stop. I feel sorry for him.
Being away for sometime, took some of the load off my chest. I found myself staring at the mirror and saying "OH GOD! I LOOK SO HORRIBLE". I've lost the will to take care of myself for quite sometime, and now that all is said and done, I'll be bringing back the care that I gave myself.
Still, part of moving on is meeting other people, and in my case, I finally found myself together with another. yeah yeah, I KNOW it's too early to date, but what can I say, I have to let myself be HAPPY again. After all, that's the least I could reward myself after all the crying and the sleepless nights.
"I feel no sympathy, you live inside a cave.
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying.
So there's no need to apologize,
Got no time for feeling sorry."
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying.
So there's no need to apologize,
Got no time for feeling sorry."
I had to do something just to bring here. In this state of mind. Now if you still think that what I did wasn't the best thing to do, then I'd leave that to you. So whoever you are, wherever you may be. THANK YOU for teaching me how it feels to FEEL pain, and for letting me know how to love myself again.
i miss you
so tired.
loving my life now.
xoxo
harvii
