Lesson in Life #1

Dear heart-breaker,

I made this one so that you'll realize that what you've done is totally OUTRAGEOUS!

Yes, we might have been together in the past, and yes I might have professed my love for you... but as days went on, and hours ticked away, I realized that the more I got engrossed in this feeling, the more I knew that what we had is simply SICK. Yeah, you read it right, S-I-C-K!

You broke my heart, and shattered it into pieces. You left me standing in the rain, without even caring that I'd be soaked and get sick. You abandoned my heart, pushed me off the edge, and now I'm trapped in this oblivion for which you created on my expense.

I have lost sight of what's real and what's not. Guess you made me blind too. Now that I'm weak, broken-down, hungry, and lost... you accuse me of causing all of these to myself? And that you're the victim in all of these?

BULL-CRAP!

You taught me how not to be angry, now you're giving me reasons to be. I loved you with all my heart, mind and soul... and still you say that I'm SELFISH? Guess I am, after all I love myself too much, being that this be the reason why I emancipate myself from all your knives.

Everybody deserves to be loved. Everyone deserves to be treated well. I don't see the point for which you're giving me. Blind love isn't true love. False reassurance should have never been an option. If you were to love me again, I hope you understand this.

Hurting still but now is on the path to recovery,

Heart-broken me.

We were taught to love others, but we're never taught how to recover from almost anything. I guess, we all had to learn it the hard way.

When we lose someone dear, our teachers didn't teach us how to grieve. When our friends desert us, our teachers didn't teach us what to do. When someone we love doesn't love us back, our teachers didn't tell us to question? I'm not blaming our teachers (those in school :]), I'm just saying that we are still the masters of our own ships, and that we should learn to be more cautious as to where we drop our anchors or to where we should set sail.

Taking precaution is often mistaken as "keeping our guards up" but these two are totally different stuff. People who are cautious are probably the most courageous persons I have ever met. They know how to deal situations, know how and when to act when the situation calls for. While people I know who "keep their guards up" are those who are insecure (questions oneself) and are more likely to be paranoid. Still, there's nothing wrong in keeping those invisible walls up, just make sure that people would still be able to see you and reach out to you when you're in your most darkest hours.

All in all, I believe that life is a choice between what to learn and what NOT to learn. We are constantly presented with choices and decisions, and it is up to us to understand and weigh things in accordance to our understanding and intuition. Life is a choice, so choose wisely.

And if what we choose doesn't go well with what we initially thought it would, then accept your fault, learn from it, and move on. :)

monetary dilemma.

Ever since I got back to Davao, I have been lurking inside my room.. thinking a lot. Now, it came to a point where I realized that I seriously needed to find myself some means for monetary advancement. Since, as I may have to state the obvious, I am JOBLESS.

I've been searching the internet for available jobs in my current location. But, to my dismay, there isn't one job that would give me professional growth nor personal growth. Now this is sick.

Graduating and earning my license as a nurse, may have been a glorious ride for me. But apparently, times are wasted and my luster is starting to rust. I have got to get my ass out there.

Still, I did apply to some institutions in the hopes that I could be hired as a staff nurse. And yes, I am hoping that after the Holy Week, they would be picking up their company's phone and call me.

I am broke as hell.

I'm thinking of getting a job online, but I guess Facebook never fails to keep me extra-ordinarily busy... CRAP.

Why can't work find it's way towards me. I mean, isn't my path ultra clear? hahahaha...

I am so broke.

NEED TO FIND A JOB.

ASAP.

get it right. :(

Get It Right lyrics

What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

What I realized during my darkest hours. :)

I recently found this picture of my nephew in my brother's laptop... and kinda reminds me of how I used to be as a kid...

Now, I know I've been down in the dumps for the past few days--because of what happened to my supposedly realized dream of becoming a doctor-- but then I realized, how stupid I was to fall into the pits of DESPAIR. Literally.

I did cry a lot... nah. I cried for DAYS! Ha! I tried consoling with icecream but that didn't really help... but then, just as I was about to think that ALL HOPE WAS LOST... I found this.

Yes yes, it's just a picture of a child picking out stuff from the floor (and probably eat some of it) but it made me feel something... something different. It made me realize that "GOD! I HAVEN'T GROWN UP AT ALL!!"

Yes, i did mature... physically and in some aspects, intellectually.. but holistically?? I don't think so... see, I used to be the free spirited, not-capable-of-staying-perfectly-still-in-a-chair, almost ADHD type of person... but now, I guess I'm not anymore. Yeah, that should have been the case, considering I am a degree holder, and a licensed one at that, but come to think of it, there still is some good in bringing out the child in ourselves...

I used to recall when I was young, I couldn't wait till I was big and mature to do all those stuff that my mom, dad and my elder brother did.. but when I was realizing what I wanted to do then, I realized how I wanted to be younger again and NOT do all these things that they did...

I realized that there is some truth in the words When life gives you lemons, you make a lemonade and I believe that with this truth and these realizations, I'd be able to emancipate myself from all these miseries...

Acting out as a mature man and profiling oneself as one, may put you on the status quo, but nonetheless, NEVER forget that you were once a child and that you did have dreams of your own..

Now that I am presented with this reality, why not make the most out of it? And like a child, why not dream BIG again? Who knows, it may turn out for the better, if not for the best. :)

All this time I thought I could never dream and hope again... but God indeed has His ways, and now I know which path I am heading... Hey I'm still 23, and yes I'm still young... I won't die any minute from now... And I don't believe that 2012 is the end of the world.. so there is still time for me to be a doctor... yes there's still time to make dreams into reality.

Now I have to live up to my reality, and make my dreams come true. :)

smiling now.

with eager heart.

dreaming big.

harvii. :)

disappointment. :(

Some bad things have been going on and on in my house, the moment I got back from Manila. My mom, clearly, wasn't at all happy having me comeback to stay with them... which I honestly don't understand, when clearly she wanted me to come back home to Davao when I was still in Manila. Now I'm really confused.

The primary reason why I went home to Davao, was that my dad told me that I'd be entering Medschool by June... which by most of my friends know, is one of my ultimate dream. And as soon as, my dad told me that he'd be giving me the honor of having that dream turn into reality, I instantly grabbed the opportunity without any hesitation. WHICH is also, the primary reason why I'm jobless.

Now that I knew that I'd be going to Medschool, I told my dad that it'll be necessary for me to take the NMAT (National Medical Admissions Test)-- more like the entrance exams for future doctors-- and that since I'd be entering school year 2011, I should take the NMAT asap. Now, I told him that CEM (Center for Educational Measurement) will be conducting the exams for April in MANILA only (since exams for the different regions were done on December) and that he has nothing to worry about board and lodging since a friend of mine is more than willing to have me stay in their house for the days inclusive of the said exam. And yes, he understood everything.

The thing is, my mom started to blabber out HARSH words, attacking me with DEGRADING statements, telling me how I was a disappointment to her and to my dad, and that I wasn't at all capable of "bringing home the bacon" and that my stay in Manila was all for nothing. We even went to a point wherein the argument was so intense she scratched/punched/slapped me for many many times... It was painful, both physically and emotionally.

I cried a lot.

But then again, I was constantly told by my dear friend that everything will turnout fine, and that all will eventually change once I enter medschool. So kept my spirit high. I kept my head held high, clenching the hope that I'd somehow someday, when I'll be the best doctor in the country, that I will have them eat their words and prove them wrong.

but I guess that won't happen.

Apparently now that my exams are nearing, my mom told me that I won't be taking the NMAT anymore and that my dad won't be sending me to Manila. I felt like my dreams went down the drain... Now that all of these were being said, I feel as if, I was never to have my dreams realized. I feel so disappointed with the fact that, I did have that hope in my hands, and they just made me throw it all in the bin.

I haven't really talked to my dad about this. But I guess I know what his answer will be...

I feel so sick and tired of having everything flushed down the drain.

I don't know if I'd be able to hope again.

Now that I know that hoping for something, will only bring disappointment and hardcore sadness.

Apparently my SOMEDAY isn't TODAY... and guess will never be TOMORROW.

goodbye dreams. :(