Nostalgia

Much has been said and done since the past month that I have been staying here in Manila. I’ve come to love the place, the people, and most especially the food. Staying here has indeed changed me… A LOT! And I admit, I kind of like the change that it’s doing to me.

Last Halloween, I got spend time with my friends Jad and Jennifer, and they brought me to Jennifer’s aunt in Lucena City. It was there that I got to know the family and relatives of Jen, meeting them, talking to them, and even sharing a drink with them. I got to know my friends to a deeper level and now I am ultimately grateful for the experience they have shared with me.

Spending some alone time in the apartment has got me thinking a lot. I came to a realization that for the past month or so, I’ve completely spent most of it to pure unproductiveness. Come to think of it, I came to Manila in search of greater and greener pastures, but look what I’m doing? Busy doing nothing…

As I pondered through the creeks and cracks of my dusty apartment here in Kalentong, I felt the strange pressure that everything has been putting on me since the day I left Davao. Now that I’m here, I’m simply lost in the haze. I feel like I’ve lost my sense of purpose and my sense of responsibility, to the point that I feel like all I’ve been doing is slacking myself with nothing but food and fun.

Well life is all about fun… but wouldn’t I be better if I mixed fun with productivity?
I think I’m just too scared to jump off the ridge, as what most people do here in Manila. Maybe I’m just scared to not know where to jump and where to land. Or maybe, I’m just scared to take the ultimate risk of moving on and finding reasons to keep myself busy, knowing that should I engage my wing to such, I’d be losing time spent to my boo…

Maybe that’s just the problem with me… I tend to give all my time, even my life to one person, to the point that I risk my all for his sake. But isn’t that the right way to love? To be able to surrender yourself to the being that you want yourself and see yourself with your partner? To be always there when you’re needed by him?

Last night I talked with my best friend desiree, telling her how much I’ve been distracted and depressed by how a certain friend of mine has been acting behind my back. Apparently, he’s been spending much more time with my ex; which made me wonder as to whether or not he really is my best friend, or is he just a mere friend who typically stabs his other friends at their backs? Maybe they’re together? Or maybe they’re in love with each other? I don’t know… but if they are, I wish them both the best.

Today is Sunday, and I’m planning to get my hair cut. I’m just hoping that after I go to church and spend time with God, I’d be able to know my purpose of staying here. Maybe then, will I be able to finally take that leap of faith I so wanted to take. Who knows, by next week I’d be able to have a job, and finally be productive.

But then again... I got messed up with playing some stupid computer game.
boohooo.. poor me. :(

Yeah, who knows…

Nostalgic,
Xoxo
harvii